Even this guy has the choice.
To have power is not to use power; to have power is to use choice.
Last week, I had an interesting conversation on the topic of anger, hostility, antagonism; all that stuff. My fellow kibitzer offered this, “if someone comes at me being angry, raising their voice, being irrational; they’re basically making me react defensively and come back at them the same way.” Calmly, I said, “I disagree”. My internal monologue was at the height of exasperation shouting, “this is the exact reason why we don’t understand each other and why we hate so much!” That one really hit my Heart that day.
I’ve heard it, read it and thought it more times than I can count – Love your enemy (even when it’s you). This isn’t easier said than done, either. It’s about bringing it into your wheelhouse. Here’s the thing about anger, it’s a reactive emotion. As much as it seems like it sometimes, no one really gets angry for no reason. There’s always something behind it, whether we understand it or think we understand it (this includes our own anger, too). I promise you, though, no matter how green you turn, you’re not going to change whatever it was that happened.
Love is what creates the change. Herein lays your choice.
Anger is not your natural instinct. It’s something we’ve all learned and, therefore, can unlearn….let me be more concise. There’s nothing wrong with anger. We shouldn’t suppress it, or ignore it or pretend like it’s not there. It’s how we usually express it that isn’t okay. When you get hungry, you don’t bite the arm of the nearest person. You think, “I’m hungry. I’d better find myself something to eat”. And so, when we get angry, what are we doing? Are we biting arms or are we recognizing how we feel, composing ourselves and finding a constructive course of action?
More often than not, I think we start biting. Instead, choose Love. And, when I say to choose Love, I’m not suggesting you hug whoever it was that hit your car with a shopping cart. I’m asking, what is the response that is going to create a positive outcome for YOU? The damage is done, so why create more?
My path these past few years has been very transformational for me. I won’t say I don’t ever get angry, but I will say that it’s extremely rare. And, I definitely wasn’t shy to my temper back in those days. Changing how I reacted was a tough process. It took a lot of years to finally realize that I can help myself, and others around me, by choosing to find the Love in my Heart. I didn’t need to tie a string around my finger or count to ten, either. It was simply about awareness. It was about being tuned in to how I was reacting and changing that instinct. It was about believing that Love is what truly gets us past whatever situation we choose to be in.
There’s no magic here. Take pause and think about this idea. Think about what is more constructive, hate or Love? Think about, if you had the choice, which would you rather be? Then, remind yourself that you always have the choice.
be Love.
I rarely hate someone, and partly is because I don’t have much “enemies” and maybe the biggest enemy is myself. I mean it is upto mean how and at what degree I would like to react when someone provokes me. If I do have an enemy beside myself, I don’t think I would use love to resolve it, not because I don’t have a big heart, but because it is not worth it to deal with someone who is trying to hurt or upset me. Life is too short, I don’t want to waste my time in being angry and dwelling on those things when it look so big too me but for sure later I realize it is not that bad. I don’t mean I won’t get angry, I do, but I will pause for a second and ask myself, is it worth it? Most of the time, no! I realized that even my close families would say or do things hurt me, so it is not a surprise for someone who is not related to me to do the same. My objective in my life is to have a career that I am really interested at and will do it for a long time, and to enjoy my life as much as I can (I am still trying on it as it is hard to completely to ignore those people who just like to make you angry for whatever the reason is). Those people who come and try to make me angry, in the past a few years, I do also feel very angry and don’t understand why they would say or do those things in such a manner; now I pitied on them, to me those people are pathetic and they are not happy with their life or certain things for that moment that they can’t control, so they have to take on other people, and they are looking for a fight or argument. What I react now is to smile and say “I will talk to you whenever you are ready”. It is not easy at the beginning as I am not a saint or Ms. patient. But I know if I start to arguing back, I will take their “trash” to me, and I won’t let that happen. I like to come to a solution to both calm down the other person to avoid any embarrassment and get me out of that unpleasant situation. I agree with you that sometimes when people initiate an argument that makes us angry not looking foward to see us react to the same way, based on my experience, they want me to be gentle or nice to calm them down. I mean some of my friends, they actually don’t have a problem or the problem is too small to even mention, but they need to pick something to get other people’s (e.g. me) attention and then comfort them to make them feel good. So my conclusion to them is this is not about me, this is something that they want. At the beginning I think that is very childish, as they are not a 2-year old who would cry and scream to get parents’ attention; but now I think maybe it is just some normal human emotions. Speaking of power, the real power is not about how high someone’s voice is, as sometimes, silence is the greatest power. A real powerful and strong person will not simply raise their voice to intimidate others or win a “battle” to prove they are right. A real powerful person is someone who is happy with his/her life and they are confident and who has that gentil smile on his/her face. Good night and summer is going to be finished, I hope you enjoy as much as you can before it finishes.
By the way, speaking of power, the most powerful thing we as human beings have are not money, authority or military weapons, but LOVE :). It is getting colder now and I can sense the “smell” of autumn. Take care and stay away from cold. If you catch a cold or sore throat or coughing, boil hot water in pan with pear peels and add a bit honey when you pour them into a cup, this will make you feel better. If this is too “complicated” :), you can add 2 pieces of lemon in your water and drink it everyday. Everyone is powerful as long as they have the ability to love as the power of love is infinite. Take care.
Often, when people, including ourselves, bring anger into our lives, it can be for a number of reasons. As you mentioned, maybe they want attention, or maybe they want to make themselves feel better by bringing someone else down, or maybe it’s because they feel they are lacking something (they just don’t know what). On the surface, we all feel like we’re missing something. It’s the reason why we do many of the things we do. Ultimately, underneath it all, we are all searching for Love from both the outside and within.
The presence of Love doesn’t allow us to react in destructive ways. It doesn’t allow us to be blinded by the anger or fearful of what we may lose; there is nothing we can really lose anyway because everything we really have is Love.
When it concerns other people, it can very challenging to come from a place of Love in response to someone’s hostility. Your answer of, “I will talk to you whenever you are ready” is a great one. Even though you’re not directly engaging with that person at that moment, you are giving yourself (and them) the opportunity to find peace. As mentioned, when I speak of using Love, I don’t mean to lay yourself out as a doormat. But rather, to be open and understanding that what is happening is a cry for help.
It is a lifelong process to be peaceful and not fall into the trap of anger and pride and wanting to be right. It’s okay to falter. We all do. The importance lies with forgiveness and the willingness to keep trying.
Thank you for your insight. And, thank you for the tip of pears and honey. 🙂
be Love.