It looks like this week is story week….
Trying to encourage people to be vulnerable and throw away their instinctual defense mechanism often results in a “you’re crazy” look. Or, the person will just directly say to me, “you’re crazy”. Fair enough.
When I try to explain that changing how you’re treated means changing how you treat others, regardless of what they’ve done or haven’t done to you, I’m usually met with a brick wall of skepticism and impossibility.
And so, I would like to share two stories and will simply leave you with this – just try it. If what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working (which it probably hasn’t), try it. Take a chance and put your Heart on the floor. Maybe it gets stomped on, but maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’ll be your foundation to stand on.
i
Two weeks ago, at my co-ed soccer game, I exchanged a few words with an opposing player; nothing major. He took to complaining about nearly everything and I wanted to reason with the guy, ie get him to shut his yap. As he passed by me, all the while sharing his victimizing grievances (eye roll), I very calmly suggested that he settle down and that nothing really terrible was happening to him. Truthfully, I did tell him he didn’t need to be a “crybaby” about everything, but it was with good intention. Out of nowhere, a very unassuming young lady started tearing strip out of me; insults, language, etc, etc. As I was smiling at her, I just wanted her to let it out. When I asked why I deserved all of those things she said to me, she replied, “well, someone on your team called me ugly”. There was zero hesitation in my Heart; I looked her right in the eyes and said, “I don’t think you’re ugly at all.” My new friend was a deer in headlights.
Not more than a minute later, I received an apology. Truthfully, at that moment, I felt connected with her. And, if it wouldn’t have been totally weird, I would have given her a hug.
ii
Another soccer game, tonight in fact. In the midst of a battle I had for the ball with an opposing player, he happened to come down quite hard on my ankle. Pretty unnecessary by most standards, and I’m pretty sure not exactly unintentional. Once the play had gone down the field, I ran near to him, patted him on the arm and, with no hostility or anger in my voice or face, said, “hey man, take it a bit easier. I don’t need you breaking my ankle”. He arrogantly replied, “that’s soccer”. As I jogged away, kinda wanting to get the last word, I said, “I know. I know. It’s just a bit much, man. It’s all good.” Minutes later, hand extended, my new friend offered an apology. He agreed that what he had done wasn’t necessary and he was sorry. In fact, he and I had a few more run-ins throughout the course of the game, simply due to our competitive nature, and we now would ask each other if the other was okay. Or, we patted each other on the back. Even though we were against each other, we respected the other’s well-being.
Connected, again.
And, that’s how I look at these instances; connections. When we act and respond with anger, revenge and hostility, we get the same. And, we get further apart. When we do our best to use our Heart, we connect. We get closer. And, I tell you for sure, the feeling I get from these results far outweigh the ones I would get when I went toe-to-toe, eye for an eye with someone who wronged me. If you knew me six or seven or eight years ago, you wouldn’t have known this person writing these words. He didn’t exist. Retribution existed. Anger existed. Being right existed. That all doesn’t make sense to me anymore. This does. I can’t control what’s already been done to me. But, I can try to control how I want to respond to it. And, no. We can’t change other people, but we can change ourselves. The rest will follow.
The cliché holds true for me, and so I’ll use it. “If I can do it, so can you.”
be Love.
PS: my dad can still really frustrate the f out of me. But, I’m working on it! Everything takes practice. 🙂
When we are facing someone who is mad or lost control with us, the best is to act as cool as we can. Because if we choose to argue back, normally it will end up with a “war”. I have similar experience too that someone started to screaming and complaining, I just let them vent and will talk to them whenever they are done. I totally understand the way that you have responded in the second story. However, in the first story, it is completely not your fault. I mean it is Not you who called her ugly and why did you have to apologize to her? I only apologize for what I have said or done that I know I am wrong. Otherwise, I don’t like apologizing just for the purpose to comfort someone. I am sorry that I don’t mean you have done anything wrong and actually I think you are a very nice person to calm her down. I just don’t think it is your responsibility to apologize to her. I can’t help laughing when I was reading your post as there is a sense of humor within your words You know in one episode of House (Dr. House), he said “all parents screw up all children”. Here I am not saying if it is true. But I can see how frustrated parents can make their children feel. I know I shouldn’t say that I understand how you feel, but I think I know it is hard as my mom also frustrated me a lot and I am also working on that. What I found is helpful to improve the relationship with her is we added each other as friends in one of the social network. There are lots of things that we can’t talk face to face as that will end up with a big argument; we chatted on that network. I found when we write things down and exchange with each other, it gives us a chance to see how the other feels; it also gives a chance to know each other better. Relationship within a family is the most difficult because we are too close to each other and we always think the other should know us the best as we are families, but it is not always true. The problem of the relationship between my mom and me is the responsibility of both of us. I didn’t think this way even a year ago, I blamed all to her and I even told my dad that I don’t think she and I were from the same world as I don’t think she understand me and there is no point to communicate; I thought communicating with her is not healthy to me as I felt angry and hurt each time when we talked. I even see every single aspect of her is so negative: she is not following up with the news of what is really going on; she didn’t know my job and she hasn’t come to Canada etc… and a wrong conclusion was how can she know me and she must not. Things started to change after I had several long conversations with a friend and then I began to respond to her messages on the network (I was so mad at a point that I ignored most of her messages at first). After I replied her a couple and also started to chatted with her about news, my political views and other stuff, I found that she has many great aspects that I didn’t see before (or I didn’t see it in the right angle). I also have realized that she has contributed a significant part of who I am today. The network message is not the solution of our relationship, but it is a tool that at least we can both express our feelings about life and exchange opinions. It just provided a way that we can get know to each other. People live in the same house like families doesn’t mean we really know each other, especially feelings, if not communicate properly, issues will just accumulate. Close friends also told me that I may have many good friends in my opinion, but if someday I run into any issue, my parents will be the first one there for me and their love is unconditional. We still have issues that need to be worked on, but what I am trying to say is we have to be open with our parents, if talking is not going to work, maybe we have to use different ways: network messages, emails etc. The biggest challenge is we don’t talk to our parents the same way as we talk to our friends or colleagues. We often cut the courtesy part and straight to the point and that harsh way may have caused the problem. We have a very good excuse that “we are families and we don’t need all that super-facial greetings”, but it matters. I always remind myself to talk to mom the way as I talk to my friends and colleagues (although it is hard). I remember I used to tell a friend that she is such a nice and sweet person, she smiled and said “wait until you hear what I say to my mom” Anyways, you are a very nice person with a big & warm heart. I am sure by time passes, your dad will frustrate you less. Monday is done and enjoy the rest of your week. Take care!
By the way, speaking of soccer, what is your position? Let me take a guess, you are a forward?:)
I understand your viewpoint about apologizing when you believe it necessary to do so, but I feel differently. To me, deserved or not, apologizing doesn’t cost me anything but pride. And, I’m trying more and more to remove pride from my consciousness. I think of the quote, “would you rather be right, or happy?” In a lot of instances, a person just wants to be apologized to, or made to feel better, or made to feel that they are right. If an apology will do that, regardless of if it’s actually “right”, I have no problem with that. I’m finding that I’m not as concerned with being right, anymore. I’d rather the person be happy than me be right. Happiness contributes to us all; being right only really boosts up the person that is right.
I face a similar challenge with my father. But, like you, we are getting better at it. I have the advantage of being able to see him whenever I like and, although it can frustrating at times, I’m learning to listen more rather than wait for my turn to speak. And again, I’m trying to be happy instead of right. That’s not to say I let myself be walked all over, but I take the time to really see what is important to speak up about and what is just better to accommodate. I don’t care if my pride’s feelings are hurt. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I try to understand things as best as I can and use my heart.
I’ve also been trying, with my parents, to do what you mentioned about courtesy and getting to the point. About 6 months ago, I realized that I often am more courtesy to strangers and acquaintances than I am to my family. I’ve been working to change this, but it’s also been a bit of a challenge. Still, I will keep at it. Everything takes practice. 🙂
Thank you for your great thoughts, as always.
PS: I play centre midfield.