better late than whatever

Technically, I’m late.

Some time ago, I’d made a commitment to myself that I would write every Sunday; it was my pledge. To do so, meant something for me. For what I believed in. And, somewhere inside of me, there was a part that hoped it meant something to someone, anyone, other than me. I kept to that self-imposed deadline no matter how seemingly stuck my thoughts were that day, how tired I was or even if I had to push it into the early morning hours of Monday. Having something there meant something to me.

But this time, I’m really late.

I felt some guilt about it. I felt like I, kind of, let myself down. I felt like maybe there was a chance I’d disappointed someone else. And, to be honest, I felt like just forgetting about it all together. I mean, there would be next week.

I felt the power of how easy it could be to give up. Even if just momentarily.

I don’t think I’d ever known myself to be a person to give up. Well, at least not for what is important to me; and, this is important to me. The truth is, though, I briefly questioned that idea. I wondered if it really was important to me. I wondered if it mattered one way or another. I wondered if I believed in what I believe in. When I phrased to myself in those ways, it didn’t feel like I was ok with any of those notions. It didn’t feel like just fast forwarding through to the following Sunday was really what would be in alignment with my original intention. I mean, it’s not really a big deal, but forgetting about it just felt like I was ignoring it. And, I don’t think there is a lot of resolution to be found in disregard.

The question, “does it really matter?”echoed itself. Quickly followed by the real question I was more embarrassed acknowledge, “does it really matter to anyone?” I remembered, though, that wasn’t the question I’d asked myself when I started doing this. So, why am I asking it now?

When I felt that bit of shame attached to questioning my intention and motivation behind sharing my words, I also did my best to find compassion in that. To embrace that I’m human, that I’m fallible and that sometimes the things that light up my Heart might become temporarily dim from time to time.

I’d decided that I would answer the questions this way; it is important to me, it does matter and I do believe in what I believe. Those were the answers in my Heart, from my Heart. I knew where I needed to be. For me and not anything else. Late or not, I would have something.

As if right on cue, I received a text asking if I was ok and if everything was ok because there was no new post this past Sunday. I chuckled and shook my head at myself; the universe waited just long enough for me to decide, on the inside, that I did matter before giving me a message, from the outside, that it was true.

First believe. Then see.

Be Love.

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