Daily archives "04-01-2018"

easy choice?

Last week, a very close friend called me saying that he’d promised himself that he would reach out with something more than a text message; certainly something I appreciated. In the same sentence, he also said he wanted to ask me something.

“Of course, man. Anything”.

Paraphrasing, he asked, “how do you write about the things you write about? How do you just put yourself out there with all of it?”

I remember my response. I paused….and then paused some more. Finally, I said, “because I’m not scared”.

I elaborated on I meant. It wasn’t a matter of being “tough” or “brave”, it was a matter of being who I am. I told him that I’d been through enough of life, of my life, to know this is who I’ve become and to be anything else would be as though I’d be swimming against the current trying to get somewhere I didn’t even want to be anyway. Or, was even supposed to be.

It made me recall a conversation, in somewhat of the same regard, with another close person in my life. It was speaking about how it’s not as though a person changes, it’s just that we all go through life experiences that lead us through and to who we really are. Those experiences are all part of how much of our heart we choose to want to unlock. That’s what evolution of the Self is. It’s not changing; it’s choosing. The part we have to play in it, is choice. We have to choose how much of our true self and the Love we have inside that we want to let out. And, it truly is an evolution; once you’ve gone that direction, it stays with you. It’s not a flash in the pan; one day it’s here and then maybe, poof!, the next day it’s gone.

I remember, in that previous discussion, giving the example of starting my meditation practice at Aromansse. It was something that ten-years-ago-me would have ever thought ten-years-later-me would have ever done, let alone be fully subscribed into. But, there I was; choosing that part of me to be unlocked. Not to change who I was, but to evolve into who I am. It’s a lot to handle at times. It’s tough. It’s scary. It’s a lot of responsibility to evolve one’s self, to almost have to let go of everything you thought you knew. There have been a few times that I’ve wanted to abandon ship. I tried. But, that’s the other thing I learned; anything that is truly of your heart you cannot go back from. I couldn’t just choose to ignore any of this. Like I said, I’ve tried when it felt like it got to be too much. When it felt too tough to accept the responsibility and accountability of this path. Too tough to accept what comes with self awareness. Too tough to embrace how much more there still is to go. But, you can’t go back. You can’t erase the choice of making your heart bigger.

And, my heart has grown bigger. From joy, from happiness, from hurt and from harm. It’s all Love. It’s all part of the curriculum. It’s all part of learning from each life experience. Would there have been things I would have done differently? Yes. Absolutely. I am definitely not a person that sits atop his pride and says, “if I could redo it, I wouldn’t change a thing”. It would be a lie for me to say that. There would have been things I would have done differently. But, I have learned from my mistakes. I have grown from my mistakes. And, more will come, I’m sure. But, I’ve chosen to accept what comes with the choices I’ve made, good and not-so-good.

And so, I’m not scared to be this. Are there things I’m scared of? There are. But, to be scared of my Self? To be scared of my heart? No. I don’t want to do that. Not anymore.

Be Love.